KILL BILLIE: VOL 1
by SapphoAndCyanide
Summary: The name says it all! The Charmed Ones finally lose it and take out the Blonde Bimbo who made me lose all hope in this show...Enjoi! BILLIE FINALLY DIES! ALTERNATE ENDING! MUST READ! Chap 3
1. why oh why must you torment us so?

KILL BILLIE: VOL 1 

A/N: NOTHING like the episode. Let's face it, the name was misleading, I saw no Billie killing what so ever. You don't call an episode 'Kill Billie' if you ain't gonna do anything _remotely_ close to killing, bludgeoning, or drowning Billie! But of course that's what you get when you sell your soul to Satan for another season. (shifty eyes) Not-that-I- did that or anything.

Summary: The name says it all! The Charmed Ones finally lose it and take out the Blonde Bimbo who made me lose all hope in this show.

Also- You may find some of this confusing because I'll be mixing real life and the show.

Chapter 1- Why oh why must you torment us so?

(Billie kicks a demon into the clock.)

Director: "A-nd, CUT! Take five! Great job Kaley."

Kaley: "Thanks…guy."

(Holly and Alyssa walk past, talking. She runs up to them.)

Kaley: "Hey guys, so whatcha doin after we're done taping?"

Holly: "Well I'm going to out to dinner with my husband. Because I have a life."

Kaley: "Oh, and what about you Lyssie?"

Alyssa: "Look, Kaley, I told you; only my friends, and fans on my site whom I never met and have no intention of meeting can call me that."

Kaley: "Alright, so what are you doin…"

Alyssa: "I have to go get my arm hair bleached."

(They walk off quickly. Kaley spots Rose talking to the… camera.)

Kaley: "Hey Rose, what's up?"

Rose: (snob-ily.) "Nothing, can I help you? I have to prepare for my next scene."

Kaley: "I just wanted to know if you wanted to go get some drinks after taping."

Rose: "I only drink with friends and homicidal maniacs." (She walks off.)

(Kaley purses her overly-glossed lips in that annoying way she does and walks over to Brian who's combing his hair.)

Kaley: "Brian…everyone's being so mean to me!"

Brian: "Oh, I'm sorry, did you say something? I couldn't hear you over the sound of thousands of fans crying because I'm _getting killed_ _off_!" (He walks away.)

(Brad walks up to her.)

Brad: "Kaley, my little spin-off meal ticket, what's wrong?" (He puts an arm around her.)

Kaley: "I'm starting to get the impression that no one around here likes me." (Alyssa quickly lowers her crossbow and looks away and starts whistling when Brad looks behind them.)

Brad: "Nonsense! They love you, just the other day I heard Holly say you were like the daughter she never want-I mean _had_!"

Kaley: "But, everyone's being so mean today."

Brad: (vacantly) "They're PMSing."

Kaley: "But Bria-"

Brad: (Sternly) "P-M-S-ing." (He walks off.)

Director: "Okay people! Let's get moving! Places!" (Everyone takes their place.) "An-d ACTION!"

Billie: "Phoebe, I have to find my sister. If I don't then I might not have anything else to do but stand here and look pretty." (I groan, disgusted. God I hate this freaking show now.)

Phoebe: "She's been gone for 15 years! What makes you so sure she's not dead?"

Billie: (Starting to tear up.) "There's still a chance…" (She starts to leave the attic.)

Phoebe: "Billie wait!" (Billie turns around.) "Uh- uh… I'm your sister!"

Billie: "What?"

Phoebe: "Yea! That's right!"

Billie: "Omigod! Sister who's name I can't seem to remember!" (She runs up and hugs Phoebe tightly. Phoebe tries not to throw-up.)

LATER IN THE KITCHEN…

Phoebe: "…So now she's off looking for matching leather get-ups for us. I mean, I already have a whole closet full, but I wasn't about to say anything."

Piper: "You told her you were her sister? Phoebe, that's terrible! Now she's gonna be around 24/ 7!"

Phoebe: "Well I had to tell her something to keep her from leaving! What if she gets killed? Then what? Who's gonna go after demons for us?"

Paige: "You couldn't have told her, oh I dunno, _that we'd help look for her later!_"

(Phoebe shrugs. Paige throws her tea at her.)

Piper: "Ok! Stop fighting you two! I do enough of that with my now good for nothing husband, I don't need it from my sisters."

Paige&Phoebe: "Sorry,"

(Leo walks in with golf clubs.)

Leo: "Honey, I'm going golfing now."

Piper: "But you don't golf."

Leo: "I know, but since I became human I've become more pathetically usless compared to when I was a Whitelighter. So to pass the time and to keep from killing myself I've taken up golfing. So at least that way I can get away from your infernal nagging." (He kisses Piper on the cheek and leaves.)

Piper: "God, I sure hope no one ever tries to get rid of him. Because that would sure piss off a lot of people."

Phoebe: (looking around.) "Hey, where's Wyatt?"

Piper: "Around, I think."

WYATT"S ROOM…

(Wyatt's TKing knives and bottles of Phoebe's pills around baby Chris' crib and doing that creepy smile.)

DOWNSTAIRS…

Paige: "What about Chris?"

Piper: "Who?"

Paige: "I dunno… what were we talking about?"

Phoebe: "What to do with Billie."

Piper: "Right, Paige, it's your job to find some way to get rid of her."

Paige: (Whining.) "Why me?"

Piper: "Because she's your 'charge'!"

(Her and Phoebe get up and start walking out.)

Phoebe: "Oh and make sure that you get rid of her in some way were the cops can't trace her back to us."

Paige: "But…"

Piper&Phoebe: "Do it!"

(Paige mumbles)

(Holly and Alyssa watch as Kaley sits sadly in her 'trailer'. Which is actually just a tellephone booth…without the door.)

Holly: "My god, is there anything sadder than that?"

Alyssa: "Only drowning puppies….and there would have to be a lot of them."

Holly: (Shakes her head.) "Remind me again why we're best friends?"

Alyssa: "Because you don't wanna get kicked off this show."

Holly: "That's right. Ok, I gotta go check on that kid I had."

Alyssa: "Wyatt?"

Holly: "NO! My real son! Ah, Finley I think his name is." (She walks off.)

(Alyssa looks back at Kaley who's laughing at a bee flying around in her 'trailer'. She shakes her head and walks over to Brad, who's counting a big pile of (monopoly) money.)

Alyssa: "Brad, we need to talk!"

Brad: "About what?"

Alyssa: "About that Cuoco girl! I want her gone! Like Shannen gone!"

Brad: "I dunno Alyssa…" (Alyssa lifts up her top.) (trance-like) "Kaley, gone, got it." (She puts it back down and walks off.) (Brad blinks and looks around, confused.) –so that's how she does it, hmm.

MAGIC SCHOOL…

(Paige is talking to a demon who looks bored. He sighs and rolls his eyes.)

Paige: "…That's why I need you to kill this kid for me!"

Demon: "Why don't I just kill _you_? Then you won't have to deal with her anymore."

Paige: "No, cuz then I'd have to meet Prue. And that might be awkward seeing as how I replaced her in all."

Demon: "Sorry, as much as I'd like to kill this—Billie—I can't, I have to go get my arm hair bleached!" (He shimmers away.)

Paige: "Dammit! That's the 3rd one in a row!"

(From the shadows.)

"I'll take care of her for ya."

Paige: "Who's there? Show yourself!"

(A leperchaun dressed in a blue jumpsuit, holding a broom steps forward. Paige looks at his nametag, it says 'Hank'.)

Hank: "I'll kidnap her for 60, kill her for 70, and I'll teach her ta play piano for 75."

Paige: "Uh, the 2nd one. But you're a Leperchaun. And what's a Leperchaun doing at Magic School now that it's demon central?"

Hank: "I'm the night janitor. Why do you think this place is always so neat and clean all the time?"

Paige: (Shrugs) "I just always assumed demons were tidy folk."

Hank: "Well you assumed wrong! So do ya want this chick dead or what?"

Paige: "Suurre. Hey one more question. How come you don't have a Irish accent?"

Hank: (angrily) "How come you have boobs _and_ a mustashe?"

Paige: "Two-shay…"(I have _no_ clue how to spell that.)

Hank: "We'll talk more later, I have to go replace the Glade airfresheners."

Paige: "They smell nice, like…apples and cinnimon."

Hank: "It's citrus breeze you nimrod." (He disappears.)

A DARK ROOM….

(Brad is talking to someone, but we can't see who because their big leather chair is facing a window.)

Brad: "…S-so, that's why I need her gone. Please, I know you don't owe me any favors, especially after I spread that rumor that you said Rose was a nice girl… but it would really help."

(The chair turns around slowly. Shannen's sitting there with a smug look on her face. She's stroking a bald cat that is sitting on her lap.) (Looks closer) Oh dear god! That's Kit! What the hell did she do to Kit?

Shannen: "You're right, I owe you nothing. So if I agree to do this, what's in it for me?"

(Brad thinks for a minute.)

Brad: (timidly)"I'll give you more souls."

Shannen: "Hmm, yes, I could use more souls. I haven't eaten in days. Alright Kern, you have yourself a deal. I shall kill Kaley Cuoco."

(She extends a clawed hand and Brad reluctantly shakes it.) (Thunder and the sound of scared horses neighing is heard. Shannen laughs maniacly.)

THE MANOR…

(Paige runs up to the attic, screaming.)

Paige: "Piper! Phoebe! I did it! I found someone to kill…" (She notices Billie sitting in there with them. Messing with Phoebe's hair, putting bows and ribbons in it.)

Billie: "Someone to kill who?"

Paige: "Someone-to-kill…Britney Spears…Yea, I found someone to kill Britney Spears. I think it's _way _overdue…"

Billie: "I don't know, I kind of like her."

Piper: "Uh huh, that's _real _in-te-resting, but the big girls need to talk now if you don't mind."

(She starts pushing her out the door.)

Billie: "But…"

Piper: "Call ya when we're done!" (She slams the door and locks it.) "Okay, who did you get, and how much is it gonna cost us?"

Paige: "Well I found this Leperchaun janitor at Magic School named Hank, and he said he'd do it for $70, he said he'd also give her piano lessons for $75…"

(Piper and Phoebe look at her like she's stupid, which is ironic because Phoebe's the one with 70 IQ and hair retardedness…)

Phoebe: "A. Leperchaun. janitor?"

Paige: (nodding) "Named Hank."

Piper: "A Leperchaun janitor named Hank? Paige you twit! There is no part of that that makes any sense!"

Paige: "Well it's too late! I already set up the hit! So when he comes for the money you'll see him!"

Phoebe: (laughing) "Uh huh, we'd have to be blind not to see a Leperchaun janitor!" (She says this to the bookcase.)

Paige: (Waving her hand.) "Uh, Phoebes, over here."

Phoebe: "Wha, oh?"

Piper: "Paige, so help me god if _one _thing goes wrong I'll put you in the pit of eternal fire for a day!"

Paige: "We have one of those?"

Phoebe: "Yea, it's Piper's old closet…"

(Paige nods)

(Something hits the window. They go up to see Billie standing in the rain, shivering. Piper opens the window.)

Billie: "Can I come back in yet?"

Piper: "Uh, no-no! Not yet!" (She shuts the window.) (Paige and Phoebe watch as a car drives past, splashing Billie. They laugh.)

(Kaley is walking around the set, mindlessly. She walks up to the boys that play Wyatt. They look like they're plotting something…something… _Evvell._

Kaley: (sweetly) "Hey boys," (She reaches down to pick one of them up but they hiss at her. They're forked tongues come out. She backs away.) "Whoa, ok, I've heard of terrible-two's, but that was ridiculous."

(From the shadows) yeesh, what is it with people and shadows lately?

Prue: "Dramatic effect."

Me: "Get out of here!" (I throw a book at her.)

Any-way…

(From the shadows.)

"Pssst, over here!"

(Kaley looks around then walks into the shadows..idiot. Someone puts a hand over her mouth.)

"Shh! Don't scream, don't say _anything_. Got it?" (Kaley's silent.) "Got it?" (Silence) "You can nod, you freak!" (Kaley nods and the person takes off their hand.)

Kaley: (Whispering) "Who are you?"

"Gah! Didn't I just-ugh, nevermind." (The person pulls back their hood. Oh, c'mon!)

(Kaley gasp)

Kaley: "You! Wait…who are you?"

Karis: "I'm Karis Paige Bryant…I used to play Jenny on the show before Alyssa had me kicked off."

Kaley: "What do you want with me?"

Karis: "History is repeating itself, someone's trying to kill you…"

BUM BUM BUM!

TBC…

Cliffhanger! I know, I put Jenny in _and _I'm making you wait for Billie to die. I'm a sick bitch, I know. But trust me, next chapter is gonna be really, really, extra, super duper GOOD! Ok, I need to lay off the sugar… Sugar and sleep depravation DO-NOT MIX KIDDIES!

So go review now bitches. I mean, lovely people who I love so much and would never say anything mean about! Heh heh…

Nicole/Shannen


	2. DIE BILLIE! DIE!

**_Chapter 2: DIE BILLIE, DIE!_**

Kaley: "Why would somebody want to kill _me_?" (Totally related laughing is heard.)

Karis: "I'm not sure, but if it's anything like the pattern, Alyssa finds you either A) An Idiot, or B) A threat…and she doesn't want to deal with you and is doing one of the things she does best…"

Kaley: "Giving head for $2.50?" (Karis slaps her on the back of the head.) (totally related 'oh's and one 'oh no she di-int!' is heard.)

Karis: "Man, this live studio audience is really starting to piss me off. Anyway, no, one of the things Alyssa is best at is getting rid of unwanted people. If ya know what I mean." (Kaley shakes her head.) "Ugh, it's like what happened to Shannen Doherty."

Kaley: "OH!…who are you again?"

Karis: "Ok, I'm starting to understand why Alyssa wants you dead…do you want my help or not?"

Kaley: "Sure, but why do you want to help me?"

Karis: "Because…(she gets teary-eyed.) I remember when they kicked me off the show and Alyssa had a hit put on me."

Kaley: "Alyssa hit on you? Eww!"

Karis: "Shut up…Just. Shut. Up."

(Dizzy-effect. Oh no, I smell a flashback…or is that pot? Nope, flashback.)

(Karis is sitting in Brad Kern's office. He looks the same, except he doesn't smell like cheap booze and bad negotiations with Satan…I would assume.)

Brad: "I'm sorry Karis, but we have to let you go. The viewers just aren't responding to Jenny very well."

Karis: "B-but you can't! The last time I was let go from a show my mom made me sleep in the basement! Please!"

(Alyssa walks in.)

Alyssa: "Brad I…(She looks at Karis.) Brad—a word please."

Brad: (scared) "Bu-but Alyssa, I-I was just—"

Alyssa: (sternly) "Now." (He gets up and follows her to the corner. Karis watches. Alyssa's making lots of hand gestures. Brad looks like he's about to cry.) "Do it!" (Brad nods and sits back down.)

Brad: "Yes Alyssa,"

Alyssa: (sweetly.) "Thanks Brad, you're an angel. Oh, and Karis. I just heard the news. I'm sorry." (She leaves.)

(Skip ahead a few years. Karis is lying next to a gutter, crying, holding a beer bottle. Some random guy walks by.)

Guy: "A gutter? How cliche!"

(End Flashback…Dizzy-effect out……)

(Karis wipes a tear away.)

Kaley: "O-K…then how come you're not dead?"

Karis: "There are some things worse than death. I haven't had another acting job since I was…'let go'. But that's not half as bad as what happened to the guy who used to play Andy."

Kaley: (scared) "W-what happened?"

Karis: "He's on the soap opera 'Guiding Light' now. Alyssa got him a job there after she kicked him off." (Kaley gasps) "I know, the only reason she didn't kill him was because he had a family. A suspicious, _Catholic_ family. But poor Dorian. Alyssa had him killed the day before season 8 started filming. The cops found his lungs filled with cat litter, and his bones broken from looked like horse hoofs."

Kaley: "Do they have any idea who did it?"

Karis: "Well obviously they know it was Alyssa's handy-work. Ever since they found the body of the girl who was originally supposed to play Phoebe in the parking lot Alyssa's been ruling the WB with a manicured iron-fist. Everyone's just too afraid to do anything because they're afraid she'll fire them."

Kaley: "What ever happened to Shannen? I mean, they hated each other. Shouldn't she be dead?"

Karis: "Alyssa hexed Shannen with a thing called 'The Spiteful-Italians Curse' or 'Milano's Curse'. Whoever is cursed with it will never have a steady job again."

Kaley: "Where are you getting all this information?"

Karis: "I never reveal my sources…I let them reveal themselves." eww (Someone steps out of another thing of shadows.)

Aviva: "I'm her source."

(SMOKE!)

Kaley: "Hey! That one chick who played Aviva…in that one episode! What's your name?"

Aviva: "Aviva. That's what I'm known as now. I get all my information from years of stalking Alyssa. I hide in her closet and watch her as she sleeps while slitting my wrists."

Kaley: "That's creepy. Two Charmed rejects who are so obsessed with their old gig that they still hang around the set."

Karis: "What did you find out Aviva?"

Aviva: "Well, after spying on Alyssa and Brad talking I found out that they in fact want this blonde ho dead. So I followed Brad to see who the assassin is…you're not going to believe this—"

Karis: "Try me,"

Aviva: "He got…Shannen." (totally related gasps)

Karis: "Ok, that's it! I'm callin the cops!" (A bunch of people on a bench behind them get up and run out.)

Aviva: "So what do you think about that Blondie?" (They turn to see Kaley's gone.) "Blondie?"

Karis: "Didn't _any _of our exposition get through to her?"

(A security guy walks up.)

Security Guy: (into his walkie-talkie.) "Hey Jim, looks like those two Transvestites are back. Over."

Aviva: "Run Away!" (They run around in a circle and crash into each other.)

--.--.

(TCO are sitting in the attic, looking bored. Phoebe throws a dart up. It comes back down and sticks into her forehead.)

Phoebe: (w/ the dart in her head.) "Hey Piper, I have a question."

Piper: (looking up from her copy of Playgirl.) "Don't you always?"

Phoebe: "Yes. But this one has nothing to do with where babies come from or why Santa does porn on the side. How come we didn't just hire Shax to kill Billie? I mean, he did lovely work last time."

Piper: "I don't know. It's just that he was like, an hour late, then he made that huge hole in our wall, and _we _had to pay to fix it! He's just not very reliable, I mean, I could've killed Prue in a much cleaner way. And we would've gotten it done on time too."

Paige: (looking up from her 'Mustache Weekly') "Wait, didn't we vanquish him?"

(Phoebe gives a 'Omigod-did-you-catch-the-season-finale-of-Desperate-Housewives-last-night?' glance. Then Piper shoots her a 'No-I-hate-that-show.-what-does-that-have-to-do-with-anything?' glance.) "You're joking, right? _Please _tell me you're freaking joking? We _didn't _vanquish Shax?"

Piper: "See now, it depends what you mean by _vanquish_."

Paige: "You're telling me, you had me worrying my ass off the first few months I was here about this big, bad demon we had to vanquish. And now I hear I did all that over-dramatic rhyming for nothing? What the hell is wrong with you two?"

Phoebe: "Lots of things…but what does that have to do with anything?"

Piper: "Paige, calm down. It's not like he came back and tried to kill us."

Paige: "Calm down? Calm down!" (Billie runs in.) "Calming down." (she sits down.)

Billie: (hugging Phoebe) "I can't believe I've been away from you for 10 minutes!"

Phoebe: (muttering) "You seemed fine when it was 10-odd years."

Piper: "Billie, what are you doing here? I thought I told you to go play in on-coming traffic in a hooker's outfit?"

Billie: (Nodding) "You did, but there aren't any cars around here and Phoebe is still dressed. So instead I went and cryogenically froze your husband."

Piper: "You did _what _to my husband?"

Billie: "I'm really sorry Piper, I—"

Piper: "No, I wasn't listening. What'd you say?"

Billie: "Uh n-nothing."

(They all sit in silence…)

Phoebe: "Live-- from New York, it's Saturday Night!" (Piper slaps her.)

(SMOKE!)

Paige: "Has anyone ever told you that you have the intelligence of a six-year old?"

Billie/Phoebe: "No," (Paige shakes her head.)

(Hank appears…in a swirl of Lucky Charms Marshmallows behind Billie. He's holding a baseball bat.)

Paige: "Well it's about time!"

(Before Billie can turn around Hank swings the bat at the back of her legs and breaks them She collapses to the floor.)

Piper: "Oww, that's gotta hurt."

Billie: (Crying) "Ya think!"

(Hank continues beating Billie with the bat until just about all of her bones are broken.)

Billie: (Still crying) "Help me! Please!"

(Hank stops hitting her and pulls out a bottle of lighter fluid. He pours it all over her body. Then he duct tapes a bunch of bottle rockets to her and lights them. The fireworks go off and the sparks light her body on fire.)

Phoebe: "Ooh, pretty fireworks!"

(Paige walks over to the screaming Bimbo and looks down at her.)

Paige: "Ya see Billie, this is what you get for following a complete stranger home and assuming they want you in their family. It basically goes back to when your mom used to tell you 'Never talk to strangers and live in their house and presume they want you eating their food, wearing their clothes, and oh yea, borrowing their Book of Shadows in order to find your most-likely dead sister."

Piper: "Uh, Paige, she's already dead."

(Paige looks down. There's just a scorch mark the shape of Billie's body on the floor.)

Paige: "Hmm, do you think it hurt?"

Hank: "I sure wouldn't want to die like that."

(Later…Paige hands him a roll of money.)

Paige: "Thanks again, even though now our house smells like burnt flesh and bad perfume for all of eternity."

Hank: "What did you expect it to smell like? Roses? " (He turns to see Phoebe kneeling down next to him, staring intently.) "Can I help you?"

Phoebe: (Sweetly) "You are sooo tiny and cute. Like a little doll. I could just eat-you-up!"

Hank: "See, I'd kick you, but seeing as how the last woman who said that was a cannibal, I'll just be going now." (He eyes Phoebe and disappears.)

(Piper wipes her hands off like she actually did something.)

Piper: "Who's up for celebration drinks?"

Paige: "Shouldn't you check up on your kids?"

Piper: "Paige, you really need to lay off the pot. You're imagining things again."

Phoebe: "What about Leo? He hasn't came and asked you for sex in a while."

Paige: "That's what _she _said!"

Piper: "That doesn't make any sense!"

--.--.

Alyssa: "Kaley!" (She runs up to Kaley who is sitting up in the non-existent attic, looking over her script.)

Kaley: "What's up, Lyss—uh, Alyssa?"

Alyssa: "Well, me and Holly, and those other people feel _extremely _bad for how we treated you earlier. So, we decided to take you out for drinks after all." (She smiles, but her upper lip twitches.)

Kaley: "Really? That's great Alyssa!" (She hugs her.)

Alyssa: "Sure…see ya." (She walks off.)

(In Brad's office)

Alyssa: "I had to hug that little cretin Brad!" (Shudders) "Her hair smelt like coconut. And you know how much I hate coconut."

Brad: "Why'd you smell her hair?"

Alyssa: (Shrugs) "It's just something I do." (Brad looks at her oddly.) "Shut up! I still don't see why she has to be hammered first. Whoever the hell you hired should be good enough to do it with her sober!"

Brad: "Well…they said it's always a lot more fun when the hit is disoriented."

Alyssa: (Her brain gets a thought. But she thinks its gas.) "That sounds like what Shannen used say about the guys she slept with. Brad, what's the name of the hitperson?"

Brad: (Scared) "Uh, I'm not really a-at liberty to say."

Alyssa: "Brad!" (She pounds her fists on his desk.)

Brad: (Quickly) "Shannen! I got Shannen, okay? I figured, you want someone killed, go to someone with the biggest grudge. Heh, heh."

Alyssa: "Brad, you idiot. You poor, poor idiot. You better pray to Holly or Buddha or Ala or whoever the fuck lives up there, that she does it right. And so help me HollyAlaBuddha, if I see her. I'm going to get you both. Understood?"

Brad: "Y-yes my Queen."

Alyssa: "Who told you to say that?"

Brad: "You did."

Alyssa: (Proudly) "Oh that's right." (She walks out the door but stops and turns around.) "Don't disappoint me Brad. You know what happens to people who get on my bad side." (As she says this flames appear behind her. She turns and leaves and some guy sticks his head in.)

Guy: "Sorry about the flames Brad, we're just practicing backdrops."

Brad: (Still scared.) "Y-yea…sure."

…--…--…

(At some club. Holly, Brian, Alyssa, Rose, and Kaley are sitting at the bar, each has a beer in front of them except for Kaley, who has a few empty bottles around her.)

Alyssa: (Clearly bored.) "Are you drunk yet?"

Kaley: (Drunkenly, she puts an arm around her.) "Getting there…Ya-ya know Alyssa, I don't think you're such a bad person. I mean _suuurrrre _you'll probably be responsible for the Apocalypse and will deliver the Anti-Christ both _on_ and _off_ the show, but that's tot-ally besides thee point!" (She turns to Rose) "And Rose, even though you suffer from a skin-lightening disease, I think you're ooooo-tay!"

Rose: (uneasily) "Are you hitting on me?"

Kaley: "Heehee, no! And the other 4 of you (she's seeing doubles)…well, the only way I can truly expess how I feel is by not throwing up all over yooou. But I can't make any promises."

Holly: (Whispering to Alyssa.) "You think she's drunk enough?"

Alyssa: "Does her hand on my thigh answer your question?"

…--…--…

(In the back alley. Brian and Rose have left.)

Kaley: "Hey! Hey guys! Watch dis!" (she runs into the wall.) "Ya see the stars and birdies! Twinkle, Twinkle, hee hee…" (She bends over and throws up.)

Holly: "Uh huh, that's nice Kaley!" (to Alyssa.) "Where the hell is she?" (Alyssa shrugs.)

(Shannen walks out from the shadows holding a gun.)

Shannen: "Sorry I'm late, I got lost."

Alyssa: (Crossing her arms) "Skip the chit-chat Doherty, just do what you've been paid to do."

Shannen: "Alright, but I don't see your dad anywhere."

Alyssa: "What?"

Shannen: "Oh, I'm sorry…I thought you said 'just do who you you've been paid to do!'"

(ARE YOU SMOKING YET?)

Alyssa: "Oh! Na ah! Its on now bitch!" (She runs at Shannen but Holly stops her.)

Holly: "Save it until _after _Kaley's dead!"

Kaley: (Lying down by a gutter.) "What?"

(Aviva and Karis run out from the shadows.)

Holly "Who else is back there!"

Alyssa: "Who are you two freaks?"

Aviva: "Don't you remember me, _Phoebe_? It's me, Aviva!"

Alyssa: "O-k, I'm not Phoebe, and you're a moron."

Karis: (to Aviva) "You're Mormon?…either way, no one's going to _Kill_ _Billie_!"

Holly: (suddenly clicking) "Omigod! It's that Jenny girl! What the hell!"

Shannen: "Everyone just shut up!" (She shoots Karis and Aviva to death then uses her powers and throws them into the brick wall. Wait a minute…)

Kaley: "Wait, please don't kill me…whoever you are!"

Shannen: "Do you even know who I am?"

Alyssa: "Didn't 'whoever you are' indicate that she doesn't? Duh."

Shannen: "Shut up! I'm SHANNEN DOHERTY, dammit!"

Kaley: "Who?"

Shannen: "I was in _MALL RATS!" _(She pulls out a machine gun and shoots at Kaley, who is still lying on the ground.) "_Shannen-Fucking-DOHERTY! _Ahhhhhh!" (She's shaking like crazy. Then when the gun runs out of bullets she starts beating Kaley even though she's already dead. Mice run up and start chewing on her hair.)

Alyssa: "Whoa, Shannen's totally lost it."

Holly: "I think it started when you kicked her off the show."

Alyssa: (She gets an idea.) "I think I can solve that."

...--...--…

(A few months later on the show.)

(Phoebe, Paige, and Piper run up into the non-existent attic and to the BOS. Instead of the podium holding it up Prue is squatting with her arms holding the Book straight up.)

Piper: "Okay, since Billie mysteriously 'disappeared' we don't have anyone to scope out the demons for us. So, Phoebe, you and Paige start on the vanquishing potion and I'll search for the spell." (Phoebe and Paige nod and walk off.)

Director: "Cut! Great job you three. Welcome back Shannen."

Shannen: "Thanks,"

Alyssa: "Aren't you glad I let you come back Shannen?"

Shannen: (Stands up.) (Sarcastically.) "Yea, thanks Alyssa. I owe you one."

Holly: "See, it's just like the good ole days. Group hug!" (All four of them hug. Alyssa shrieks in pain. Someone pulled her hair.)

Shannen: "It was Rose…"

END….

Mwhahahaha! Didja guys like it? If you're wondering how come every so often it said "SMOKE!" then "ARE YOU SMOKING YET?" it's because those are subliminal messages I stole from Family Guy. Mwhahahaha! Later…

Nicole/Shannen


	3. ALTERNATE ENDING!

**_CHAPTER 2: DIE BILLIE, DIE! The Alternate Ending!_**

**_A/N: _**That's right, I decided to do an alternate ending. Cool huh? I've never done one before.

…--…--…

**Recap: **Karis: Time is repeating itself, someone's trying to kill you.

Kaley: Bum! Bum! Bum!

End Recap… 

--…--…--…

Karis: "What the hell was that?"

Kaley: "What?"

Karis: "Bum! Bum! Bum! What the hell was that?"

Kaley: "Oh sorry, it just seemed appropriate."

Karis: "Well quit it! This is serious! C'mon, I'll take you to headquarters."

(She presses a button on her watch and they both fall through the ground, there is a round table with a group of people around it. There are two empty chairs the girls are supposed to land on, but Kaley lands on the table, and Karis hits the ground.)

Kaley: "Oww, I'm…not okay. I think I broke something."

Karis: (standing up) "Just get up, nobody cares when people like us get hurt." (Kaley gets up and looks around.) (T.W King, Julian McMahon, that guy who played Jack, that chick who played Aviva, and Lori Rom (original Phoebe) all sit in a dark room, with a giant tracking system map on the wall.)

Kaley: "What _is _this place?"

Lori: (as the other 2 sit down) "_This _is under the Charmed set, and we are the 'Federation of Actors and Actresses Alyssa Got Kicked off the Show.'"

Kaley: "FAAAGKS?"

Julian: "Yea, FAAAGS was already taken, believe it or not."

Lori: "Anyway, we were all victims of Alyssa Milano's reign of terror at the WB."

T.W: "My character, Andy, was supposed to confess to Prue that the real reason he didn't want to be with her was not because of her magic, but because he was in love with Daryl."

Aviva: "My character was supposed to stalk Phoebe, steal her underwear while she was gone, and slit her wrists while she sat in her closet and watched as Phoebe slept." (everyone stares, Julian moves away.)

Jack: "Yea, well that's nothing, I was supposed to marry Prue and sacrifice myself when Shax tried to kill her."

Kaley: "Don't you mean, your _character _was supposed to do that?"

Jack: (shifty eyes) "Suurre…"

Lori: "And _I_ was supposed to play Phoebe, until that bitch Milano came along and took control."

Kaley: "Who _are _you?"

Lori: (Crazy) "I'm Phoebe! I live with my sisters, Piper and Paige, and I'm happy happy! I'm a pretty girl, _real_ pretty!"

Karis: (Whispering) "After she got replaced, her family disowned her, her husband left her, and she lost her job and her house. Now she lives with this chick named Ron in Soho."

Kaley: "Wow, that's deep stuff. But if you're all Charmed rejects, how come Shannen Doherty isn't here?" (Thunder booming and the scared horses are heard again.)

Julian: "Shh! We mustn't talk about the Cursed One."

Kaley: "Huh? Didn't you guys date?"

Julian: "That's nothing I'm proud of, thank you."

Karis: "When Shannen was 'let go' as we like to call it, she went insane, after vowing to get her revenge she retreated back to her Horse Ranch, she wasn't heard from until 2003, when she did Scare Tactics, but she got 'let go' from that, then again in 2004, when she was on North Shore. That got cancelled a few months later…they call it the 'Spiteful-Italians Curse' or 'Milano's Curse'…"

Kaley: "That still doesn't answer my question. That was just a bunch of useless exposition."

Jack: "Shannen works on her own, some say she's a hitwoman now, others say she's still looking for that perfect acting part that is in no way connected to Alyssa, but most say, she just sits in her house all day, watching season 1 and 2 re-runs of Charmed while using her Voodoo magic on her 5 share of the show, slowly sucking the essence from it, and the cast and crew."

Kaley: "You guys are freaks, I gotta get out of here, I have an episode to finish." (She stands up but Julian and Jack get in her way.)

Julian: "You're not going anywhere, we have reason to believe that Shannen is the one who's trying to kill you, and if that's true, not only is she going to kill you, but she's going to feed on your very soul. Where it shall face eternal torment for all eternity." (Karis shakes her head.)

Kaley: "Well then, what am I supposed to do? Wear a clove of garlic around my neck and get a stake?"

T.W: "She's not a vampire you idiot, she's a hired assassin."

Kaley: "That's what I said."

Julian: (muttering) "If Shannen doesn't kill her, I'm going to."

…--…--…

(Piper, Phoebe, and Paige are sitting in the attic.)

Phoebe: "Hey Piper, I have a question."

Piper: "Don't you always?"

Phoebe: "Yes, but this one has nothing to do with why you have dresses in your closet that strangely only fit Leo. How come we didn't hire Shax again? I mean, he did lovely work last time."

Piper: "Other than that broken wall we had to fix, and the 1000 gallon blood bath I had to mop up, yea he did. But I tried, apparently he has another hit that day…one of the Olsen Twins or something."

Paige: "Didn't we vanquish him?"

(Piper and Phoebe exchange a glance.)

Paige: "We didn't? Then why the fuck were you two so hell bent on vanquishing him? That's all I heard the first 2 months after I met you guys. 'We have to do it, for Prue!' 'I'm not shaving my armpits until he's vanquished!'"

Phoebe: "We had to be convincing, I mean, two very hot _someones _were bound to catch on sooner or later if we didn't."

Piper: "I already told you Phoebe, I did that thing with Cole and Leo, so we really didn't have to worry."

Phoebe: "Wait, _I_ did that thing with Cole and Leo so they wouldn't get suspicious…"

Paige: "Well, it's nice to know this family is just one big giant cover-up conspiracy."

Piper: "Isn't it though? Anyway, I really don't think it would be wise to get Shax again, I mean, Leo might get suspicious again. And I don't know about you, but after I did that thing I was sore for like a week."

(Billie runs in and hugs Phoebe.)

Billie: "Sis! I missed you!"

Phoebe: (pulling away) I wish I could say the same. What do you want?"

Billie: "I wanted to see if you wanted to go see a movie with me."

(Phoebe flashes a fake smile.)

Phoebe: "I'd love to Billie, really, but I've already seen that one."

Billie: "Bu…I haven't even suggested one yet."

Phoebe: "Oh sorry, ok, which one do you wanna go see?"

Billie: "Well I was thinking maybe Art Sch—"

Phoebe: "Seen it."

(Just then Hank appears in a bowl of Lucky Charms.)

Paige: "What took you so long!"

Hank: "Sorry, do you have _any _idea what a pain in the ass it is to get across the magical plain this time of day?" (He pulls out a nail gun and nails Billie's feet to the ground. She screams really loud.)

Piper: (covering her ears.) "I'll be back. She screams like a freakin banshee. Call me when you're all done." (She walks out, leaving Hank, Billie, Paige, and Phoebe.)

Paige: "What'd she say?" (Phoebe shakes her head cuz she doesn't know.)

(Hanks pulls out his stick thing…eww that sounded dirty…and starts beating Billie's knees. She falls, her feet still stuck to the floor. Then, out of no where a rocket launcher appears. Hank aims it at Billie and launches it but the impact is so strong it blows up Phoebe and Paige along with Billie and Hank. When the smoke clears no one is left. Piper walks back in.)

Piper: (She looks at the mess.) "Ah _hell _no! If you people think I'm cleaning this up you got another thing comin." (She scans the room for anyone else.) "Where'd everybody go?" (Her stomach grumbles, she shrugs and goes downstairs for a sandwich.)

…--…--…

(Alyssa walk up to Kaley who is sitting in off-set looking over her script.)

Alyssa: "Hey Kaley,"

Kaley: "What's up Ms. Milano?"

Alyssa: "Please, Call me Alyssa."

Kaley: "Ok Alyssa."

Alyssa: "Uh…actually, you'd better stick with Ms. Milano. Anyway, I'm having a BBQ later and Holly and them are coming over and I'd love it if you could join us."

Kaley: (Hopeful, but also looking around for cameras.) "Really?"

Alyssa: "Yea, all you have to bring are some chips, drinks, sides, and some hamburgers."

Kaley: (sarcastically) "Sheesh, you want me to bring the grill too?"

Alyssa: (sweetly) "Would you? See you at my place at 7!" (She walks off and into Brad's office.)

"I don't want her in my house Brad! I'll have to have it fumigated after!"

Brad: "Not my problem, you just have to make sure she's nice and full."

Alyssa: "That's another thing, what the hell kind of hitman needs their hit to be _full_!"

Brad: "Well…they said it's always more fun when the target is full because they're slower."

Alyssa: (A little EasyBake Oven lightbulb goes off in her head.) "That sounds familiar. Someone who used to work here used to say that about the guys she date-raped….Brad, who exactly did you hire?"

Brad: (now piss-his-pants scared.) "Uh-uh, that's not my call to say."

Alyssa: (In a deep voice) "BRAD!" (she stomps her foot, it cracks the concrete)

Brad: (girly voice) "_Shannen!_" (his normal voice) "S-Shannen…I got Shannen alright! I saw her ad in the paper the other day and I thought it'd be fun to see her again. Besides, her references are _fantastic_! Heh, heh."

Alyssa: "I can't fucking believe you Brad, you're stupider than Kaley! Ugh, you know what? I'll beat you later, I'm late for a mani-pedi then I have to go cover every surface of my house in plastic before the BBQ. But I'm gonna warn you Kern, if Shannen ruins this for us I'm gonna make you wish you hadn't replaced Lori Rom with me, got it?"

(Brad nods)

"Good." (She walks out. As soon as she does Brad faints in a puddle.)

…--…--…

(At Alyssa's house, in the backyard. Everyone is sitting at a table with an empty plate in front of them, except Kaley who has a few.)

Kaley: (Pushes her plate back.) "Whew, I'm so full. I don't think I could eat another bite."

(Alyssa sets a pie in front of her.)

Alyssa: "Nonsense! C'mon, I made pie! Who doesn't love pie?"

Kaley: "No, really Alyssa. I feel as fat as a 4 month pregnant woman."

Holly: "What the hell is that supposed to mean!"

Kaley: "Nothing,"

Alyssa: "Just eat the damn pie already!" (shoves her face into it.)

Brian: "Ok, I think I'll be heading out now. All this talk about pregnant chicks and pie is making me uncomfortable." (he gets up and leaves)

Rose: "Yea, same here. I don't know why, but one of my most terrifying childhood memories is my blonde Aunt Silvia getting drunk off her ass and drowning in my Mom's runny Cherry pie when I was 6, later." (She runs off)

(Kaley comes up for air just as Shannen comes over. Kaley's face is covered in blueberry filling.)

Shannen: "Eww, blueberry. Anyway, sorry I'm late. Your butler wouldn't let me in and he released the hounds. Lil bastards chased me half way down the block before I realized I had stashed some hot dogs in my back pocket this morning. So that got them off my case."

Alyssa: "Ok I didn't ask for your life story Doherty, just get on with it already. I'm sure seeing how the other half live must be depressing for you."

Shannen: "If by 'other half' you mean 'slutty Italians who haven't eaten since the late 90's' then not really."

Alyssa: "Oh! You wanna fight Squinty!" (She goes after Shannen but Holly holds her back.)

Holly: "Can this wait until after Kaley's dead please!"

(Kaley's lying in a pile if blueberry vomit. She looks up.)

Kaley: "What?" (burp)

(Everyone from FAAAKS runs out.)

Alyssa: "Hey, what the hell are you freaks doing in my house!"

Kaley: "I thought I told you idiots I didn't need your help?"

(Holly and Julian are making out in the corner.)

Julian: "You wanna get out of here?"

Holly: "Sure," (they leave)

Aviva: (trying to suck up to Alyssa.) "Yea, what are you freaks doing in Alyssa's house?"

Alyssa: "Who are you?"

Aviva: "I'm Aviva! Remember back in season 1 we had a moment…" (she shoots Shannen a nasty glance) "…Until Prue walked in."

Alyssa: "O-K, someone needs some meds."

Karis: (to Aviva) "You worked at Club Med? Cool."

Shannen: "Alright, this is getting really weird. So I'm just gonna kill you all." (She pulls out a flamethrower and burns Aviva, Lori,Karis, and Jack to a smelly-rejected crisp. Then she turns to Kaley and Alyssa and fry them.) "Whoops, sorry Alyssa, you got in the way." (She smiles) "Ooh, is that potato salad?"

…--…--…

And so Shannen, Julian, Holly, and Brian got their own spin-off. Rose had to be admitted to a mental hospital because those pie flashbacks kept giving her reoccuring nightmares and she thought that pie was really from another planet hell bent on world domination and that it was all a giant government conspiracy.

Alyssa's house was auctioned out on eBay, Brad bought it and soon after was killed by angry poltergeist.

The CrackMonkey's who weren't even mentioned once in this whole story were realeased back into the wild. All died because of Crack withdrawl symtoms.

_**THE END! No seriously, this is really the end this time.**_

Ok that thing was stuck in my mind for awhile. You try functioning normally when you've got _that _swimming in your head 24/7. PLEEZ REVIEW!

Nicole


End file.
